Into the Void

test

2009-11-20T17:18:06Z

test

Кино is an amazing band

2009-02-19T21:56:40Z

Кино is pronounced (Kee'no), which means movie, or cinema.

I would classify it as Russian Goth. The leader was Victor Tsoi is a Russian-Korean. He died in 1990.
I find his lyrics to be very deep, and not at all in-your-face...

This song in particular reminds me of..... someone.

The english translation is after the text.

Место для шага вперед
У меня есть дом, только нет ключей,
У меня есть солнце, но оно среди туч,
Есть голова, только нет плечей,
Но я вижу, как тучи режут солнечный луч.
У меня есть слово, но в нем нет букв,
У меня есть лес, но нет топоров,
У меня есть время, но нет сил ждать,
И есть еще ночь, но в ней нет снов.

     И есть еще белые, белые дни,
     Белые горы и белый лед.
     Но все, что мне нужно - это несколько слов
     И место для шага вперед.

У меня река, только нет моста,
У меня есть мыши, но нет кота,
У меня есть парус, но ветра нет
И есть еще краски, но нет холста.
У меня на кухне из крана вода,
У меня есть рана, но нет бинта,
У меня есть братья, но нет родных
И есть рука, и она пуста.

     И есть еще белые, белые дни,
     Белые горы и белый лед.
     Но все, что мне нужно - это несколько слов
     И место для шага вперед.

Translation:

A Place to step forward
I have a house, but no keys,
I have some sun, but it is among the clouds,
There is a head, but there are no shoulders,
But I can see how the clouds cut the sunbeam.
I have a word, but there's no letters,
I have a forest, but there is no axe,
I have the time, but there is no force to wait
And there is another night, but there are no dreams.

      And there are white, white days
      White Mountains and white ice.
      But all that I need - a few words
      And a place to step forward.

I have a river, but there is no bridge
I have a mouse, but not the cat,
I have a sail, but no wind
And there is still paint, but no canvas.
In my kitchen the tap water is running,
I have a wound, but there is no bandage,
I have brothers, but no relative
And there is a hand, and it is empty.

      And there are white, white days
      White Mountains and white ice.
      But all that I need - a few words
      And a place to step forward.

one of the things i'm working on

2009-02-19T20:28:44Z

figure out what creates empty files in the root directory of general login server.

1. the files are all named similarly: exactly 6 characters, the first character is a letter, [a-zA-Z] then 2nd is either a letter or a number, and the last 4 are all numbers.

2. the time stamps are 745 - 1045, with few exceptions (between 1600 and 1730)

3. All are owned by root

This would have to be a setuid user process or a system process that creates them.

I checked all of root's cron jobs, none of them do anything like that.

set up a continuous lsof to run starting at 0700 and send output to a file. I would kill it manually around 1100

But found nothing, and no files were created during that time.

except for 1 or 2 created after 1600.

I set up a script to invoke lsof to run continuously and redirect output to a file until killed by the next invocation of the script


DATAFILE=/cenas1/home/yazlovb/tmp/openfiledata
ARCHDATA=${DATAFILE}-`date '+%Y%m%d-%k%M'`
/usr/bin/killall lsof
if [ -f $DATAFILE ]; then 
    grep -q '/[a-zA-Z][a-zA-Z0-9][0-9][0-9][0-9][0-9]' $DATAFILE && mv $DATAFILE $ARCHDATA || rm $DATAFILE
fi

/usr/sbin/lsof -u root -r 1 > $DATAFILE 2>&1

This way I may be able to catch the offending process.

learning

2009-02-18T21:12:43Z

masturbation

2009-02-18T20:58:30Z

so far...

2009-02-18T20:15:28Z

...managing to get done everything that is required.

Not very exciting, but so far stable. Today I did close to nothing after finishing something quickly which was expected to take a long time. I don't know why.

All the soc web sites are blocked here, including myspace, facebook, and tribe. But that's ok, at least LJ and 43things are available.

ain88 @ 2009-02-18T14:43:00

2009-02-18T19:50:59Z

To what do you give the most credence - an experience or the interpretation of the experience?

TG...

2009-02-18T16:07:38Z

Chicago show sold out.
SF is still not sold out, but I don't want to go there.
London and Copenhagen was announced.
There is still hope for a 2nd Brooklyn show.

dreams of last night

2009-02-16T14:18:50Z

I am working at Guardium again. In order to concentrate I am in a small office that is relatively quiet. Izar comes in to talk to me about something. I mostly ignore him. He stands outside the office and talks loudly on the phone. I become frustrated, get up abruptly and leave. He is trying to say something that he was instrumental in bringing me back.

A remote viewing device, as if photos in google maps display the area in real time. We are looking at a random location in the world, trying to figure out what it is. There are red brick buildings look a bit decrepid as if riddled by bullets. There are also smooth walled houses, also reddish color. The architecture reminds me of either Mexico or the Middle East. We see a toy store, and at the apex of the door there hangs a black and white striped plush creature with long arms and legs. What the hell is it? oh, its a Llama. So I say that we're in Argentina. Then we go (view) alongside a railroad track. There is a skull sticking out of the sand. Obviously a Llama skull. We start to sing, Cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, cuidado... La llama! (from Monty Python).

bastards

2009-02-12T21:50:54Z

The writers of the Adobe Flex tutorial should also be impaled on sharp objects.

Its as if several different people wrote it, as a continuous course, without building on what the previous steps accomplished.

It makes it unnecessarily difficult to navigate through the information.

struggling with biology

2009-02-11T16:44:13Z

Last night in the Hsing-I or (Xing-Yi) class I was able to evoke more energy than usual. Unlike an external style, like Shaolin or Praying where power is generated by the machanics of the body, Hsing-I's strength seems to come from a vitriolic attitude. How I know this? Once a few years back someone asked Dr. Leung how does one step in hsing-i. He said, as if you're stepping on a poisonous snake. Some interpreted it as bang, stomp, flatten it quickly. and continue to do so. I thought that it is a more slow, merciless and deliberate step, with the heel first and then the weight shifts to the rest of the foot.

woke up around 530am today. To undo the sleep residue gagged, did the (MJ) Mussolini Jaw, face twisting. Kung Fu warmups, tea.
went to work.

Heard my coworker on the phone arguing with his wife. Something is very seriously wrong in their relationship.
Went to the caf, got some coffee, outside, smoke...

Sitting down to study Adobe Flex through the online tutorial. It was interesting, but I noticed myself drifting off during the "working with containers" video.

Indomitable Will

2009-02-06T18:02:44Z

Article: Indomitable Will

Copyright © 2004 Christopher S. Hyatt, Ph.D.

What is behind it all?
the unconquerable will,
seeing behind all---through all
like einstein behind the universe
like freud behind the mind
like nietzsche behind the soul
like the child smashing the toy
not to destroy,
but to see behind,
the question,
what is it
i must conquer,
i must know
nothing short of staring into the keyhole behind the bathroom door

this is the man,
madam curie
dr salk
knocking, storming the bathroom door
not the bush
not the clinton
not the gengis khan
no, not the news
no, non of these
they may conquer but never know
but those who must make it mine,
those with indomitable will
greater than all
the few, the brave
like the boy staring up the dress
like the criminal cracking the safe
i must make it mine
i must know its cause
and once conquered
to pick the banner up again
to own it all
not the hegel
not the kant
but i can know,
i can own it all
not the ford
not the stewart
but the man of the mind
knowing not no,
the newton
kepler
copernicus
not the church of the fool
not the luther on toilet bent
not the prophet or the christ
not the weber
not the marx
but the man
not the herd
but the man
with the never ending yes
to make it mine.

ain88 @ 2009-02-05T22:43:00

2009-02-06T03:59:18Z

I'm not a communist or have ever been one, but I adore the Soviet Union. The totalitarian regime had an aesthetic that can never be matched.

Here is Paul Robeson singing the Anthem of the Soviet Union, in the bloody English:

car trouble

2009-02-05T14:20:33Z

On the way to work I heard a dragging sound. I pulled over and saw that a plastic panel covering the windshield washing fluid is dragging on the ground. I tucked it in but soon it feel again. After about 3 times of it falling off and me tucking it in on rt 93N it finally snapped off.

The tires seem to be losing air far too quickly also. The first thing to do after I get paid is to get new tires and get that panel replaced.

weirdness last night

2009-02-05T14:15:39Z

While doing the stances during the Shaolin class last night I sweated profusely, much more than usual. After that it was a bit cold, but nothing else. After class I got an intense craving for chicken. I went to KFC on the way home. On the way home, my fingers on the left hand were extremely cold, even though the heat was on. When I got home, I saw that all the fingers, except for the thumb were corpse white. I held my hand under warm water for a while and flexed it. Eventually color returned.

I should've given myself a stranger.

Maybe I ought to masturbate more with my left hand.

There is hope

2009-02-04T00:03:58Z

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=6284160&blogID=468317069

See more progress on: See Throbbing Gristle play live

ain88 @ 2009-01-31T21:10:00

2009-02-01T02:10:33Z

"When I open my eyes I must sigh, for what I see is contrary to religion, and I must despise the world which does not know that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy."
-- Ludwig van Beethoven

kinda lazy day today

2009-01-24T06:27:27Z

i slept in. I start a new job on 2/2, so I'm going to be taking it really easy until then. Maybe.
Last night I stayed up late playing a puzzle game with Marlena online, each playing our own game, just matching the levels. It was pretty good, the kind of interaction that I do enjoy.

Today I ignored several phone calls from recruiters since I don't need them anymore, did some exercise, that is basic warmups, stances, and stretching, then was late to the library. I needed to print and sign and fax the contract for the new position, but got there late. So I went to the Middle East cafe to get tickets for mumiy troll who will be playing there next monday. Barely made it, but made it. Then i went to an auto parts store to get a tire pressure gauge since one of my tires is always losing air. Went to class, which was good in that it energized me. I was feeling kinda lame until then. Not very alert, tired, tense, not very energetic, and annoyed. After class I felt alright again. 2 of the classmates invited me to go to a bar to drink some beer which I agreed to do. We talked about work and kung fu. Then I drove home. "Are you ok to drive?" one asked. "sure" I said. "I'm Russian. We're born drunk". Which is a blatant lie, but it was funny, at least to me. I got some coffee on the way home.

now what?

note to self

2009-01-23T02:24:21Z

you're a weirdo, even unto thyself.

not going to meet with a recruiter tomorrow, goddamnit.

2009-01-21T05:28:59Z

At first I agreed and was going to do so. They required filling out an application on line. When i started to do so, it pissed me off. It allows selecting up to 10 skills, 5 positions and requires a complete work history. Do they not have my resume? Perhaps filling out the online application makes an entry in their database for easy matching of skills, like an internal dice.com. But they don't even specialize in computer/tech/IT jobs. So it appears to be a waste of time and a drain on my energy. There is plenty of porn online that I have not yet seen...

From the point of view of the Toxick food chain, this is an example of being invited for dinner where you are the dish. If my energy is going to be consumed, I would rather have it done by a more refined manipulator.

Rather than blow it off and just not go, as my original instinct told me, I wrote this:

I will not be coming to this interview for the following reasons:

1. the web site is not designed in a way which allows me to represent my skills and experience accurately, therefore I do not have confidence that this organization can represent me accurately to the employer.
2. All my successful interviews that were arranged by recruiters did not require a face-to-face meeting.
3. No face-to-face meeting with a recruiter has ever resulted in me getting an interview or landing a job.
4. I need to spend this time polishing my programming and computer skills.

I would be happy to work with you if you we can do it by email or phone. After you arrange me an interview I will be more than happy to meet.

thank you and best regards,

re-living

2009-01-18T02:26:00Z

I did some re-living of the events leading up to the end with Marlena and the post-end by re-reading the snapshots of my feelings and events of those days. That was necessary to stabilize. I got myself destabilized by watching and listening to Vladimir Vysotzki. All his songs are very intense and cathartic, but the war song about a friend who "yesterday did not return from the battle" hits so close to what I feel regarding the loss of the relationship. Of course, the main difference is that nobody died. But one of us could have died, and the other would be spending life in jail. I would probably be the one in jail though, left to ruminate for eternity.

Here is that cathartic song:

Here are the words in Russian:

Почему все не так? Вроде все как всегда:
То же небо, опять голубое,
Тот же лес, тот же воздух и та же вода,
Только он не вернулся из боя.

Мне теперь не понять, кто же прав был из нас
В наших спорах без сна и покоя.
Мне не стало хватать его только сейчас,
Когда он не вернулся из боя.

Он молчал невпопад и не в такт подпевал,
Он всегда говорил про другое,
Он мне спать не давал, он с восходом вставал,
А вчера не вернулся из боя.

То, что пусто теперь, не про то разговор:
Вдруг заметил я - нас было двое...
Для меня словно ветром задуло костер,
Когда он не вернулся из боя.

Нынче вырвалась, будто из плена, весна,
По ошибке окликнул его я:
"Друг, оставь покурить", - а в ответ - тишина...
Он вчера не вернулся из боя.

Наши мертвые нас не оставят в беде,
Наши павшие - как часовые...
Отражается небо в лесу, как в воде,
И деревья стоят голубые.

Нам и места в землянке хватало вполне,
Нам и время текло для обоих...
Все теперь одному, толоко кажется мне,
Это я не вернулся из боя.

and here is the translation:

Why is not it? Like everything, as always:
The same sky blue again,
The same forest, the same air and the same water
Only he did not return from battle.

I no longer know who of us was right
In our disputes without sleep and rest.
I did not miss him until now,
When he did not return from battle.

Everything he said was out of place and he did not sing in time,
He always talked about other things,
He did not let me to sleep, he was up with the dawn
But yesterday, did not return from the battlefield.

What is empty now, not about that conversation:
Suddenly, I noticed - there were two of us
For me, as if the wind blew out a fire,
When he did not return from battle.

Now escaped, like a spring from captivity
By mistake, I called to him:
"Friend, let smoke," - a response - silence ...
He never came back yesterday from a fight.

Our dead will not leave us in trouble,
Our fallen - our guards
The sky is reflected in the woods, as in water,
And the trees are blue.

We had enough space in the dugouts,
And time flowed the same for both of us
All is one, it just seems to me,
That it is I who did not come back from the battlefield.


well my only consolation is that we're still both alive. while a reunion is possible, I don't know how it can happen... yet.

ain88 @ 2009-01-09T11:52:00

2009-01-09T17:30:48Z

Today I cannot tell if some things I remember are from dreams or from life awake. Last night had a lot of dreams which were like watching movies, horror/sci-fi, apocalyptic stuff. One in particular was a Serbian movie where the main character was turned into an inch-sized sphere rolling around, still conscious as human.

Another was a movie where "normal" humans are created by machines, and everyone else, known as the masons are working in the fields pushing rocks.

Then there are bits and pieces of conversations I may or may not had.

I feel weird

2008-12-26T13:03:15Z

I got up at 6 from the dream on Kurt Cobain, and did not fall back asleep.
Made tea, and exercised, basic kung fu warmups I call AJS10.
there is an urge to reach out to people, but to whom and more importantly with what?

I know with what.
I also know to whom.
The what determines to whom.
The what does not discriminate.
Thus this medium is perfect.

The "what" is indiscriminant, but I am.
all of the what cannot pass through the filter.

The filter may need tweaking.
This is where RUDY (Radical Undoing) comes in.

as much as christmas eve sucked, the day was good

2008-12-26T11:56:20Z

I went to visit Fr. Dan. We watched a violent Russian movie, called Dead Man's Bluff (english title) Zhmurki (russian title), ate some herring with potatoes and onion. After that Eric showed up and stayed for a bit. We watched Heaven & Hell clips on youtube. Been reminded again of the magnificence of Iommi.

dream

2008-12-26T10:55:06Z

Curt Kobain visited a group of us in the park. It was an autumn day. He just happened to be among us, shook hands. When touched he felt real. I thought it was Magick, and that I had to practice it more. I asked him if he was really dead. He said yes, but he was vague about it. Something about what he said made me say to others "see, it IS better to be dead!"

He did mention that he knows what will happen on a certain day at a certain exit on 128. I asked if he has access to any and all kinds of knowledge, and he was vague answering. What if you're given precise coordinates, do you know then? He said that he has (would have to) find it among numerous catalogues.

There was a mention of God speaking through him, either by him or by someone in the group. When asked what is God, he was vague. It was a sort of an abstraction. But he said that he becomes God when he materializes like that. There was a mention of the omnipotence of God.

Then he was gone, sort of disappeared in the crowd. We went looking for him. Someone was upset that he did not get a chance to talk to him. Maybe he's a Ninja and not a God (or dead) I said.